Lorena's Epiphany

Hit “Refresh”

November 16, 2008 at 8:36 pm Leave a comment

Have you heard Kanye West’s new song “Love Lockdown”? Finally, a song from him I can listen to. And it spoke to me. Corny, I know, but the perpetual teenager in me still finds solace in lyrics.

L’amour: I really can’t write enough about it. Being in love, loving a person – it gives meaning to life. It is energy and power. I still don’t understand how when I’m in a relationship, all my self-doubt disappears. No matter how hard I try on my own, it never completely goes. But, this invisible load gets lifted in knowing you have that person in your life that you can rely on. I wish I could capture that feeling all the time, even when love is gone.

You’re also off the market at that point too, so that added anxiety of going out to meet guys/girls goes away. Less of the will-he-call? syndrome and why-is-she-ignoring-me? backlash.

Back to Kanye: his lyrics “i’m not loving you, the way i wanted to.. i can’t keep myself and still keep you too..” are what struck me. Here I am, having been so hurt and disappointed from my last relationship, that I don’t know if I’ll be open to love next time around. Will time heal, as they all keep saying? When it’s right, will I just know and unlock my heart?

I find myself holding back on a lot of my emotions. There’s been a lot of restraint and guise on my end. I’m just afraid to reveal too much emotion, too soon. My heart needs to heal and take it’s time with the next one. Love has felt so right in the past but why did I allow someone (my ex), who’s messed up about love, mess up my own conception of love? He was scared and didn’t know how to love openly. The effects of being in such a relationship can be catastrophic. I can’t stand to fall again and end up crashing to the floor that hard.

But I’m hopeful beneath all that fear. I WANT to fall again and embrace love next time around. Packing up that baggage and moving on. It’s time to hit “refresh” (on my heart, not your browser hehe)

Entry filed under: Floating. Tags: heartbreak, Kanye West, love, Love Lockdown, lyrics, relationships.